Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.