Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
You Might Also Like
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
God, I love Scotland
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch