Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
S/o to @funTweeters .
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story