Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.