Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.

I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.