Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.