Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

anyone else like Italian cereal

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.