Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️