Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

i love modern commerce

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

😅🤣😂

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”