Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yall want some gasoline milk

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200

me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay

So many pants.
So little yoga.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Europe. Made in Germany.

Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later