Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
i baked you a cake
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’