lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
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If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.