lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
You Might Also Like
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.