Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.