Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.