[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Always
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is