Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

[excerpt from my failed job application]

MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.