*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
