Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

the thing about me is that i am ready to hate anyone’s boyfriend at a moment’s notice. i need approximately zero seconds to prepare. literally just lmk

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

Discuss

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from