Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.