Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.