Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

#dalle2