is the Gap going to kill me in two days
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
You Might Also Like
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
“Describe yourself in three words”
Instead of donating my body to science, I’ll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.