Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

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Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?


H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.


Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.


[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*


My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.


Instead of donating my body to science, I’ll donate it to whoever has the best idea for a practical joke involving a dead body.


When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.