Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
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My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?