Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.