Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

Interior design 👌

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.