Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.