lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
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A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I feel like one of these would kill a European
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My plans: 2020:
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.