Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.

The Joker was right

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

Great Canadian literature.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.