Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

Boss: We need a name for our film studio

Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea

1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t

Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox

1-up Karl: *looks at camera*

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…