Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

Wise advice

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.