Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

meow

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches