Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

“just sayin” who asked you though?

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!

judas: actually know what, I’m good now

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that