@ImMelanieGibson

Lube but for my dry humor.

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@MooseAllain

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

@SortaBad

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

@AbleLikes

me: all my underwear is black, like my soul

also me: OH MY GOD IS THAT A PUPPY? IT’S SO PRECIOUS!!!! WHO’S A GOOD BOY YOU’RE A GOOD BOY! YES YOU ARE

@eedrk

Girl: Some1 in my house can’t call 911 they’ll hear me pls help.
Me (after waiting 20 minutes to text back so I don’t seem desperate): hey

@Bizarro_Mark

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

@_davidlucas_

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

@ninatreemonkey

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

@cbdoubleu

*covers himself in Nutella to hide his body heat from the Predator*