Lube but for my dry humor.
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Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Stop.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Ok but actually
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh