-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.