lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

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If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.


Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.


(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*


I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”


[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons


My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.


Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.


I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.