If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.