@PaperWash

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

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@Sophie2078

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

@dance_blessed

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

@BoogTweets

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

@niks27_shah

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

@TheHyyyype

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

@roxiqt

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

@SCbchbum

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.