lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
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It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
i will avenge u mr van gogh
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.