@PaperWash

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

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@jdforshort

Green smoothies because who has the time or energy to chew 17 cups of spinach/lettuce/kale

@Adam14

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

@Darlainky

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

@longwall26

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

@KeetPotato

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

@itsa_talia

things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy

@EricaLynnz

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

@T_N_Crumpets

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days