Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd