Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
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*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Order here:
More here:
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,