Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.