Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning