Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

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People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next


{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.


[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*


Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?




So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!


[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit


Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.


I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.


Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy


[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position