@PopeAwesomeXIII

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

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@eyepluckeramit

Next time you’re in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say “Yes, can I get some toilet paper?”

@KenJennings

FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr

@SaltyCorpse

When I was in college I had all these philosophical questions.

Now I just want to know how these kids got toothpaste under the toilet seat.

@Marlebean

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

@TheIronSherk

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@Elizasoul80

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

@comedianluke

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

@JaneBadall

My son just referred to a beaver as a “wood-eater”. So I mulled it over in my mind for a bit and it would seem he’s correct on two levels.

@Book_Krazy

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday