Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
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god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Finally a use for spoilers…
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.