Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
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Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
accurate
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
Big Sex has us all fooled
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I hope this email finds you in a well
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.