Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

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I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”

“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”


Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.


the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”


When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.



Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
M: Wanna get in my genes?
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?


HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.


Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.