Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
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Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
who wore it better?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious