I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
You Might Also Like
Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”
“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Me: You’re a scientist?
M: You like chemistry?
M: Wanna get in my genes?
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.