Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
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“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Meow?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.