Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

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