Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
New tinder profile pic
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.