Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
peep davidson
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you