Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer