Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

Huge if true.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.