Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention
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There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.