Lucky old June.
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T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Art by Pastelkatto
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale