Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You Might Also Like
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015