@InternetHippo

LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
[flashback]
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine

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@andylevy

“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States

@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

@shawnspree

In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.

@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

@MarfSalvador

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*