“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States
LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name?
ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it?
LUCIFER: That’s fine
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
Me: buy the kids
Me: a trampoline.
In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*