Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
this is the best interaction on twitter
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.