Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk