Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

This why you should mind your business

My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

I have no passwords left in me

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*