Ludacris once said “If you ain’t got no money take yo’ broke a$$ home” and I haven’t left the house since
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“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕