Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

yeah 😭

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

I get distracted pretty eas

my dog when i have a friend over

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Quadruple digit IQ

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.