Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
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Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Breaking news:
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper