Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.