Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
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Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child