Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
You Might Also Like
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
She might be a genius
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.