Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
British websites use biscuits.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
💀😭
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer