Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

grandpa was shocked

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.