Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…