Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
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just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?