Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.