Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
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Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
😏😏😏
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”