Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.