Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

🙀🙀🙀😹

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

🤣🤣🤣

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?