Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.