Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!