LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
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Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Oh my god
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.