Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Good morning

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*

Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.